100 Things the Iphone Doesn't Do

1. Play songs as ringtones

2. Support many popular instant messaging formats

3. Picture message

4. Buttons

5. Record video

6. Voice recognition or voice dialing

7. Work on any network but AT&T

8. Access Itunes over Wi-fi or EDGE network

9. Call the Ghostbusters

10. Include accurate “Gaydar”

11. Serve as portable storage for your “Magic, The Gathering” collection

12. Keep Paris Hilton in jail

13. Keep Paris Hilton out of jail

14. Keep the jail out of Paris Hilton

15. Hide my stash

16. Cure your athletes foot

17. Make Rosie O’Donnell talented, attractive or likeable in any way

18. Judo chop Sasquatch

19. Execute telemarketers

20. Recover repressed childhood memories

21. Battle the Decepticons

22. Make your pants fit better

23. Continue to improve your sense of self worth after the novelty wears off

24. Mask your offensive body odor

25. Make your kid sister a virgin again

26. Keep track of Brangelina’s children

27. Find Osama Bin Laden

28. Find Waldo

29. Assess the value of your antique butt-plug

30. Mimic the “Axe Effect”

31. Axe you a question

32. Trim pubes

33. Shoot the deputy

34. Swing both ways

35. Improve your “Body Mass Index” score

36. Understand George W. Bush

37. Explain Scientology in a way that won’t make you laugh

38. Condone the Catholic church’s recent behavior

39. Play that

40. Make your wireless bill easier to understand

41. Make your in-laws like you

42. Perform the Heimlich maneuver when you choke on “Harry Potter Swamp-ass” flavored jelly beans

43. The Macarena

44. Make you look like less of an asshole when you’re doing The Macarena

45. Turn water into wine

46. Bitch at you for forgetting to put the seat down

47. Stop Brittney Spears from exposing her genitalia

48. Find itself when you lose it

49. Fight for its right to party

50. Cure “stage fright” at the men’s room urinal

51. Take no shit from anybody

52. Protect you from stingray attacks

53. Anything less than a 9, 6 when it’s drunk

54. It

55. Make living with your parents at 34 seem cool

56. Take cheap shots at your mother

57. Nude Pilates

58. Wipe more than 3 times… no matter what

59. Choose hoes over bros

60. Speak to Bill Gates in anything but a very curt tone of voice

61. “Stop...Belieeeeeeeving”

62. Anal

63. Wa diddy diddy dum diddy do

64. Heroine

65. Rate its lovers on a scale of “Fell Asleep” to “Couldn’t Get Enough”

66. Laugh every time someone says “Donkey-punch”

67. Bring the muthafuckin’ ruckus

68. Puss-out on a dare

69. Claim that it “never inhaled”

70. Flawlessly recite the lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies’ hit single “One Week”

71. Claim that it “never inhaled”

72. Midget porn

73. Show up loaded to an AA meeting

74. Make little cars out of its poop and drive them around the toilet

75. Read Marx and smell like a Spearhead concert

76. Trip you and pee in your mouth

77. F*ck with Mark Wahlberg

78. Admit that its really, really excited for the release of “Halo 3”

79. Run with diarrhea

80. Have sex in the Champagne Room

81. Accidentally shart at a funeral

82. Accuse a close friend of faulty rape charges

83. Lie about it’s age

84. Hast Meich

85. Drive worse than Women

86. Deny that Ashton Kutcher may indeed have an Oedipal complex

87. Negotiate with terrorists

88. Lie on a personality test

89. Stay with Tom Cruise in the closet

90. Draw Swastikas on a sleeping friend’s forehead

91. Associate with known Tricks, Marks, Trick-ass-marks or Mark-ass-tricks, most especially Scallywhops

92. Hesitate to get medieval on someone’s ass if need be

93. Comprehend the significance of dialing “867-5309”

94. Talk about Fight Club

95. Get a little misty when they say, “Move…That…BUS!”

96. Karaoke… until it’s had seven beers, two shots of tequila and one Yager bomb

97. Say “Sean Connery” in a Scottish accent

98. Discriminate against 21 year-old dime-pieces who may have stripped and/or posed nude, but are still good people

99. Use Protection

100. Make fun of you at the beach in front of prospects because of your sand-dollar sized areolas

Top Ten Signs Summer Has Arrived

10. Your penis is sweating and out of breath.

9. Jimmy Buffet outsells Justin Timberlake for three straight months.

8. You find yourself peeing Malibu Rum out your butthole Sunday mornings.

7. Increasing resentment for your parent’s unwillingness to financially support you into your late 30’s every time you’re invited to a party or event at the marina, which you can’t attend because you’re on the schedule for janitorial services… at the marina.

6. Michael Jackson can be found next to Splash Mountain’s exit Monday through Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday too.

5. The more that gas prices go up, the more that you go down…on movie producers in exchange for road-trip money.

4. “Swamp ass” begins to wreak more havoc on office plumbing than the menstrual cycle.

3. You have enough sand in your vagina to create a pearl necklace and matching earrings by mid-August.

2. Fumbling around with both hands in the front pockets of your jeans in a fruitless attempt to remove the excess scrotum adhered to both sides of the upper thigh.

1. Obese individuals whose best winter T-shirts barely hid the “muffin tops” they shamelessly donned after stuffing their bellies into pants they purchased 50 pounds ago have now downgraded to even more risqué and revealing apparel, creating a sight comparable to a horizontal view of a rhinoceros giving birth.

7 Signs Your Summer Diet Isn't Working

1. You wear swimming goggles to the restroom because of the frequency and intensity of splash-back from your giant turds.

2. Your cholesterol is higher than your credit score.

3. You’re the only one at the lake with a “four-piece.”

4. Your George Foreman Grill has a stroke and expires on your kitchen counter… alone, and very depressed.

5. Hey, you’re not kidding any one with your “See-food Diet”. Seriously…You’re fucking fat Dude.

6. McDonald's refuses to serve you, insisting that it would violate their full compliance with all animal cruelty laws.

7. Your eating disorder put the “Die” in “Diet”

10 Worst Pick-up Lines

1. I came here to drink some women and fuck some tequila. Guess which one I’ve already done?

2. I really dig pregnant women, can I buy you a drink?

3. Hi. I read palms. Yours says I like to tug cock.

4. You like smart guys and bad boys huh? We’re probably meant to be since I’m a twice convicted rapist wit.

5. I would treat you like a princess… Leia of course, wanna see my nerf-herder?

6. Your tits are huge.

7. I’m great in the sack. At least, that’s what the high school girl I slept with last night said.

8. Hello, my name is Scott Peterson.

9. You might be a little under-dressed, but I just came in my shorts.

10. I have a small penis, but don’t worry – I’ll feel huge in your ass.