Blogsphemy

2007-07-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

100 Things the Iphone Doesn't Do

2007-07-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Play songs as ringtones
Support many popular instant messaging formats
Picture message
Buttons
Record video
Voice recognition or voice dialing
Work on any network but AT&T
Access Itunes over Wi-fi or EDGE network
Call the Ghostbusters
Include accurate “Gaydar”
Serve as portable storage for your “Magic, The Gathering” collection
Keep Paris Hilton in jail
Keep Paris Hilton out of jail
Keep the jail out of Paris Hilton
Hide my stash
Cure your athletes foot
Make Rosie O’Donnell talented, attractive or likeable in any way
Judo chop Sasquatch
Execute telemarketers
Recover repressed childhood memories
Battle the Decepticons
Make your pants fit better
Continue to improve your sense of self worth after the novelty wears off
Mask your offensive body odor
Make your kid sister a virgin again
Keep track of Brangelina’s children
Find Osama Bin Laden
Find Waldo
Assess the value of your antique butt-plug
Mimic the “Axe Effect”
Axe you a question
Trim pubes
Shoot the deputy
Swing both ways
Improve your “Body Mass Index” score
Understand George W. Bush
Explain Scientology in a way that won’t make you laugh
Condone the Catholic church’s recent behavior
Play that
Make your wireless bill easier to understand
Make your in-laws like you
Perform the Heimlich maneuver when you choke on “Harry Potter Swamp-ass” flavored jelly beans
The Macarena
Make you look like less of an asshole when you’re doing The Macarena
Turn water into wine
Bitch at you for forgetting to put the seat down
Stop Brittney Spears from exposing her genitalia
Find itself when you lose it
Fight for its right to party
Cure “stage fright” at the men’s room urinal
Take no shit from anybody
Protect you from stingray attacks
Anything less than a 9, 6 when it’s drunk
It
Make living with your parents at 34 seem cool
Take cheap shots at your mother
Nude Pilates
Wipe more than 3 times… no matter what
Choose hoes over bros
Speak to Bill Gates in anything but a very curt tone of voice
“Stop...Belieeeeeeeving”
Anal
Wa diddy diddy dum diddy do
Heroine
Rate its lovers on a scale of “Fell Asleep” to “Couldn’t Get Enough”
Laugh every time someone says “Donkey-punch”
Bring the muthafuckin’ ruckus
Puss-out on a dare
Claim that it “never inhaled”
Flawlessly recite the lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies’ hit single “One Week”
Claim that it “never inhaled”
Midget porn
Show up loaded to an AA meeting
Make little cars out of its poop and drive them around the toilet
Read Marx and smell like a Spearhead concert
Trip you and pee in your mouth
F*ck with Mark Wahlberg
Admit that its really, really excited for the release of “Halo 3”
Run with diarrhea
Have sex in the Champagne Room
Accidentally shart at a funeral
Accuse a close friend of faulty rape charges
Lie about it’s age
Hast Meich
Drive worse than Women
Deny that Ashton Kutcher may indeed have an Oedipal complex
Negotiate with terrorists
Lie on a personality test
Stay with Tom Cruise in the closet
Draw Swastikas on a sleeping friend’s forehead
Associate with known Tricks, Marks, Trick-ass-marks or Mark-ass-tricks, most especially Scallywhops
Hesitate to get medieval on someone’s ass if need be
Comprehend the significance of dialing “867-5309”
Talk about Fight Club
Get a little misty when they say, “Move…That…BUS!”
Karaoke… until it’s had seven beers, two shots of tequila and one Yager bomb
Say “Sean Connery” in a Scottish accent
Discriminate against 21 year-old dime-pieces who may have stripped and/or posed nude, but are still good people
Use Protection
Make fun of you at the beach in front of prospects because of your sand-dollar sized areolas

Top Ten Signs Summer Has Arrived

2007-07-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

10. Your penis is sweating and out of breath.

9. Jimmy Buffet outsells Justin Timberlake for three straight months.

8. You find yourself peeing Malibu Rum out your butthole Sunday mornings.

7. Increasing resentment for your parent’s unwillingness to financially support you into your late 30’s every time you’re invited to a party or event at the marina, which you can’t attend because you’re on the schedule for janitorial services… at the marina.

6. Michael Jackson can be found next to Splash Mountain’s exit Monday through Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday too.

5. The more that gas prices go up, the more that you go down…on movie producers in exchange for road-trip money.

4. “Swamp ass” begins to wreak more havoc on office plumbing than the menstrual cycle.

3. You have enough sand in your vagina to create a pearl necklace and matching earrings by mid-August.

2. Fumbling around with both hands in the front pockets of your jeans in a fruitless attempt to remove the excess scrotum adhered to both sides of the upper thigh.

1. Obese individuals whose best winter T-shirts barely hid the “muffin tops” they shamelessly donned after stuffing their bellies into pants they purchased 50 pounds ago have now downgraded to even more risqué and revealing apparel, creating a sight comparable to a horizontal view of a rhinoceros giving birth.

7 Signs Your Summer Diet Isn't Working

2007-07-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

1. You wear swimming goggles to the restroom because of the frequency and intensity of splash-back from your giant turds.

2. Your cholesterol is higher than your credit score.

3. You’re the only one at the lake with a “four-piece.”

4. Your George Foreman Grill has a stroke and expires on your kitchen counter… alone, and very depressed.

5. Hey, you’re not kidding any one with your “See-food Diet”. Seriously…You’re fucking fat Dude.

6. McDonald's refuses to serve you, insisting that it would violate their full compliance with all animal cruelty laws.

7. Your eating disorder put the “Die” in “Diet”

10 Worst Pick-up Lines

2007-07-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

1. I came here to drink some women and fuck some tequila. Guess which one I’ve already done?

2. I really dig pregnant women, can I buy you a drink?

3. Hi. I read palms. Yours says I like to tug cock.

4. You like smart guys and bad boys huh? We’re probably meant to be since I’m a twice convicted rapist wit.

5. I would treat you like a princess… Leia of course, wanna see my nerf-herder?

6. Your tits are huge.

7. I’m great in the sack. At least, that’s what the high school girl I slept with last night said.

8. Hello, my name is Scott Peterson.

9. You might be a little under-dressed, but I just came in my shorts.

10. I have a small penis, but don’t worry – I’ll feel huge in your ass.